Okay, so this season of GOT has been unquestionably epic- anyone with a brain cell would agree. But if there’s one thing I’ve noticed, it’s that the characters seem a little stressed and uptight. Granted, the battle for the Iron Throne and the looming threat of an eternal winter is pretty daunting, but these guys really need to put their feet up and have some ‘me’ time. What everyone needs is a god damn massage! Here are the best styles for some of our favourite characters:
You know nothing Jon Snow… Except how to swing a sword and look gorgeous at the same time- and by god, don’t you do that well! He may well have come back from the dead once, and then somehow survived icy waters whilst surrounded by the walking dead, but no one comes out of that without a few knots in their back. Jon is an outdoorsy kinda guy- always on the go, rescuing wildlings and slaying White Walkers. But my main concern is: how many times is he going to bend the knee before he pulls a muscle? Without some serious muscle work, it’s going to happen. That is why Jon would really benefit from a Sports massage here and there. You know, something to warm up his (technically dead) body before battle, or to help him wind down after a long hike beyond the wall. You may be the King of the North, but you seriously need to look after those hamstrings more!
Brienne of Tarth
Let’s be honest, Brienne is a bit crap with commitment. I mean, how many oaths do you have to make before you realise you’re shit at keeping people alive? Whilst Brienne might be a quick to swear her allegiance to anyone who will have her, there’s no denying she’s resisting the affection of one particular (very hairy) admirer. However, there is one commitment Brienne should make. She needs to hurry up and change her status to ‘In a Relationship’ with everyone’s favourite Wildling, Tormund. If he gets his own way, Brienne will be pregnant with their ‘great big monsters’ in next to no time. But how is Brienne going to handle the stress of pregnancy when she’s off beating up hounds and being Sansa’s little bitch? The answer is- Prenatal massage. Whilst Brienne might need a couple of masseuses to cover her gigantic physique, prenatal massage will help with all of the aches, pains and discomfort she’ll certainly experience whilst carrying her monstrous off-spring. Who knows, maybe Tormund will be able to get involved when he’s back from working away, beyond the wall? Thank me later, Brienne!
Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, First of Her Name… Right seriously, no one gives a shit Dany. That’s the fourth time we’ve heard that today.
But anyway, on a different note, it’s clear that Miss Universe Westeros isn’t as confident as her demeanour suggests. Aside from talking way too much, it’s safe to say that our white-haired dragon goddess has some serious anger issues. Fair enough she’s upset about one of her dragon-babies getting caught up in the Night King’s Javelin practice, but she can’t just burn everyone alive when times get hard. She needs to chill and get laid, so we therefore recommend Happy ending massage for our fiery little fox. They are sensual, relaxing and mega pleasurable- not to mention the fact they’re mega naughty (we all know Dany is a bit of a kinky bitch). She will feel like a new woman afterwards, and it’ll definitely get her pumped for eight inches of Snow. We don’t mean the winter either…
The Night King
Is it just me, or is everyone really hatin’ on the Night King? He’s rounded up a few of his mates for a lad’s summer holiday beyond the wall, and everyone seems to be kicking off about it. No one likes an exchange student, but maybe it’s just the Night King’s icy décor that him so hateable?! The Night King looks eternally grumpy, but that is understandable. At the end of the day, all he has is the company of some banter-less dead beats, with no White-Walker-Worldies in sight. The guy needs some action, ASAP- so let’s give him a Nuru massage and shove some boobs in his face. I’d love to see him resist cracking a smile during that! He might look fucking demonic on the outside, but he’s clearly a softie deep down. Have you ever considered that maybe he’s just a little traumatised after being stabbed in the heart by those leafy bitches, and is just in search of some sympathy? At the end of the day, if his session gets too hot and steamy and he happens to melt, it’s a win, win for everyone!
Poor Jorah. What has this guy got to do to catch a break with Dany? He has dedicated his life to her, and even cured himself of an incurable disease, all to be with her- and what does he get in return? He gets pied for her god damn nephew for Christ’s sakes. They guy literally has no chance. Naturally, Jorah is going to feel a bit down in the dumps when he finds out his Moon and Stars has made sweet, incestuous love to another bloke. What he needs right now is a good old pamper; something to cheer him up and lift his spirits. What Jorah needs is some TLC. So for you Jorah, we recommend Tantric massage. This arousing style of massage is perfect for our sweet Jorah, because it’ll give him a much needed ego boost and will give his skin a much needed moisturise. Jorah will rediscover his self-worth, and will emerge from that massage table a free man who has broken the chains of love. Well, that’s until he sees her at tea time and falls madly in love again. It was worth a try at least…
See, torturing and murdering a load of people isn’t the only way to let off some steam!